Communication: The Gift You Can’t Love Without

The ability to communicate is a gift, and many couples often underestimate the significance of its importance. Communication has consistently been identified as the cornerstone of all healthy relationships. Effective communication makes it easier for couples to build trust, deal with conflict and deepen intimacy.

In honour of February, the month we celebrate Valentines, here are 4 easy to remember tips to help you communicate with LOVE, to that special someone in your life.

Use the acronym of L.OV.E., to help you improve communication with your partner. Make a concerted effort to:

L - lISTEN

Listening involves hearing and responding effectively. To become a better listener in your relationship aim to:

• Focus on Your Partner

  • Pay attention to your partner and what is being said. This can be done by making eye contact and minimizing unnecessary distractions. Try to remain focused and attentive.

  • Show that you are listening to your partner by responding non-verbally. For example nodding or using encouraging prompts such as aha, um hmm, etc.

• Don’t Interrupt

  • Staying silent can be difficult especially when your partner says things that trigger your defenses. Set an intention to listen and not rehearse your response when your partner is still speaking.

• Reflect Before you Respond

  • To ensure that you are correctly interpreting your partner’s message, restate what you heard them say to show understanding.

  • For example…..‘What I heard you say is…….. am I understanding you correctly?” 

O- oBSERVE

Observing improves communication. It can help to bring a more informed perspective to your interaction with your partner. You can begin to:

• Pay attention to non-verbal communication

  • Non-verbal communication or body language includes things like your tone, posture and facial expression. This form of communication provides important cues that can alert you to things like dishonesty, disinterest or distrust.

• Observe Timing

  • Poorly timed communication can negatively impact your relationship. Heavy topics, lengthy conversations and lots of information can cause your partner to feel frustrated and avoid communication altogether. Asking your partner, ‘Is this a good time to talk’ or setting time limits for difficult conversations can be helpful.

• Practice self-reflection

  Self-awareness is an essential component of healthy communication. When you are able to see your behaviour without denial or defenses, you can become more deliberate in how you choose to communicate.

V- VERBALIZE

The goal of verbalizing is to organize and communicate your feelings and thoughts. Your wants and needs are not always obvious to your partner or make common sense. When you dialogue with your partner it is important to:

• Be Authentic

  • If you are unhappy or dissatisfied with things in your relationship consider expressing them to your partner honestly but respectfully. Avoid insults, put-downs, or criticism as they erode the fabric of your relationship over time.

  • It is important to take ownership of your thoughts and feelings. Use language that reflect this awareness such as “I statements”.

    • For example if your partner routinely criticizes your family, you can say…… ‘I feel angry when you make disparaging comments about my family’.

• Ask for What you Want

  • Openly expressing your needs and wants, reduces confusion and expectation. We see clients all of the time who are convinced that their needs are obvious. Your needs may be completely invisible to someone who is not paying attention. It’s important to remember that your partner is not a mind reader!

  • Try making a low-risk request and see what happens. Even if your partner’s response confirm your fears, use this as an opportunity to dialogue about the challenges of communication.

• Show Appreciation

  • Taking the time to express what you appreciate and value in your partner creates positive feelings in the relationship. Pay closer attention to what you appreciate about your partner and make a concerted effort to communicate it.

e- eMPATHIZE

Empathy is a skill that builds connection. When you put yourself in your partner’s shoes, it helps them feel affirmed and understood. To enhance your capacity for empathy you can:

• Make Your Partner Feel Safe

  • Acknowledging your partner’s fears, and frustrations is a deeply affirming experience. Not to be confused with sympathy or sadness, empathy is the heartbeat of connection.

  • For example….sympathy says “Poor thing, that sucks, empathy says…. “Sounds like you were overlooked for that position…..of course you`re upset!

• Connect before you Correct

  • When your partner is angry or displeased, sometimes they just want to be heard. Premature attempts to rescue or reason them out of their emotions can feel invalidating.

    • For example, if your not-yet-proposed-to partner tells you another co-worker is getting married, don’t accuse her of making you feel guilty. Responding with empathy may sound like…‘I can see in your eyes how much you you’re hurting right now….. what would feel most helpful to you in this momemt?’

• Validate

  • Validation is the skill of acknowledgement and acceptance. It communicates to your partner that their point of view is important. Validation allows you to affirm you partner’s position even when you disagree.

    • For example….‘I can understand why trust is so difficult, given what you told me about your past relationship. I still want that you stop monitoring my phone.